Parenting Through A Depressive Episode
“I lost interest with the kids and doing things that we used to do…they’d ask their mother, ‘Why is Daddy not getting up and not wanting to do anything with us?’ ‘Did we do anything?’ They didn’t do anything to me. I just didn’t want to do anything.” –Rene Ruballo, police officer and father, quoted from “Men and Depression,” U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services
Parenting in modern times is an incredibly difficult task. One of the biggest challenges, as many parents have shared with me, is the feeling of isolation due to our increasingly individualistic society. As someone who has worked with many people experiencing a depressive episode, I know that this sense of isolation can both contribute to and be a symptom of depression. This makes parenting while experiencing a depressive episode even more challenging.
Other common symptoms for parents include emotional exhaustion, difficulty helping with family responsibilities, and being more overwhelmed by their children's behavior and needs. This can lead to feelings of guilt as well as having to emotionally detach from the family in order to cope. Finding joy and pleasure in everyday tasks can also become a struggle, which can negatively impact the parent-child relationship.
It is widely recognized that depression affects how parents interact with their children. This may be due to difficulties in processing others' emotions during interactions, as well as a reduced response to positive experiences and heightened sensitivity to negative ones. It's easy to see how these challenges would directly impact parenting. After all, parenting involves dealing with frustrating moments throughout the day, while rewards may seem few and far between. If one's brain is struggling to recognize these rewarding moments, it becomes even harder to engage in effective parenting while experiencing depression.
One Helpful Tool: Behavior Activation
A helpful tool in managing these patterns and behaviors is Behavior Activation, an important skill in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Behavioral Activation can assist with breaking harmful patterns that cause additional pain and suffering during episodes of depression.
Behavior Activation focuses on how our behaviors and feelings constantly influence each other. Have you ever noticed that certain activities have an impact on your mood? For example, listening to upbeat music may make you feel happy and energized, while feeling overwhelmed with worry can make it difficult to focus on completing tasks at work. Our behaviors play a role in our moods, for better or worse.
Research has shown that depression often leads us to avoid activities that bring us enjoyment and well-being. And when we stop engaging in these activities, we can end up feeling even worse. This is especially true for parents, as neglecting activities that bring us joy and renewal can result in reduced desire to engage with our children, leading to feelings of guilt and worthlessness, perpetuating the cycle of depression.
Break the Cycle with Behavior Activation
Breaking the cycle of depression using Behavioral Activation involves monitoring our daily activities and moods, and intentionally scheduling behaviors that have brought us pleasure in the past. To try Behavioral Activation as a self-help approach, you might experiment with following these steps:
1. Keep track of your daily activities and mood levels using a journal, phone app, or other tracking method for a few days. Rate your mood on a scale of 1-5 (with 1 being very low and 5 being very good). After tracking, take note of which activities were associated with more positive moods and which were linked to more negative moods.
2. Make a list of small, achievable activities that bring you pleasure. These should be things you can do every day without much difficulty. For example, going on a cruise might be pleasurable, but it’s not something you can do every day. Instead, try simply spending time thinking about going on a cruise, or maybe even planning your dream cruise. Both of those activities are simple enough to do on a daily basis.
3. Schedule a couple of enjoyable activities into your daily routine, making sure to include them at times when you are most likely to follow through. Start small and with the easiest activities, write your schedule down, and follow your schedule to the best of your ability, even if you don’t feel like it in the moment. If you do need to change your schedule, just cross out the activity on your schedule and reschedule it for a better day and time.
4. Be patient with yourself throughout this process. Setbacks are common when starting Behavior Activation, as it's not easy to motivate ourselves to engage in enjoyable activities when we're feeling depressed. Keep tracking your moods and activities and take things one step at a time.
A note on using Behavioral Activation while parenting
As a parent, it can be helpful to include on your schedule simple, enjoyable activities to do with your child (even for just five minutes). This could be things like throwing a football around, watching them play and listening to what they have to say, bird watching together, cuddling on the couch while watching a cartoon, or having a snack together. Schedule these activities during times when you are most likely to follow through and be successful (for example, not when your child is more likely to be cranky) and stick to the plan whenever you can instead of waiting until you feel ready.
Interested in learning more?
If you'd like support on using Behavior Activation and other coping strategies to navigate depression while parenting, I am here to help. Reach out to me or schedule an appointment today!
