When Someone Else’s Boundary Setting Is Emotionally Painful
The internet is flooded with advice about healthy boundaries—how to have them, set them, and respect them. But what’s often missing is a conversation about how to cope when you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s boundary setting, especially when it feels hurtful or unfair.
Have you ever been on the other side of a boundary and struggled to accept it? It could be something small, like your sister asking you not to post pictures of her children on social media after you’ve already done so. Or perhaps it was something bigger—your partner telling you they need more time alone, or a friend wanting distance in the relationship. These situations can be especially hard during the holidays when boundaries about time, commitments, and invitations can bring up feelings of disappointment, rejection, or even anger.
I understand how painful it can be because I’ve been there too.
Seven years ago, I found out I was going to become an aunt. The excitement I felt was indescribable. Growing up, my aunts and uncles made me feel safe and loved—like I belonged to something bigger than myself. I heard joyful stories of how my aunts and uncles were there the day I was born—how significant it was that they were present to greet me upon my arrival into the world. I had always dreamed of recreating that special bond with my own nieces or nephews someday.
So, when my brother and sister-in-law let us know that only a select few people would be present on the day my niece was born—and I wasn’t included—I was devastated. My emotions got the best of me and I let my disappointment and frustration guide my reactions, which only strained my relationship with my brother and sister-in-law further.
I needed to learn how to cope with this boundary in a way that honored my emotions while preserving my relationships.
How to Cope Using Radical Acceptance and Opposite Action
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), two powerful tools—radical acceptance and opposite action—can help us process the emotional pain of unmet expectations.
Radical acceptance is about fully accepting the reality of a situation without judgment or resistance, even when it’s painful. It doesn’t mean liking or approving of the situation; it simply means acknowledging what is true in the present moment. For example, you might tell yourself, “This boundary hurts, but I can’t change it. It’s okay to feel sad about it.” Radical acceptance can reduce our suffering by letting go of the mental tug-of-war over how things “should” be.
Opposite action involves intentionally choosing behaviors that counteract intense emotions that might lead to unhelpful actions. For instance, when you feel rejected or angry, you might want to withdraw or lash out. Opposite action encourages you to lean into behaviors that align with your values instead—like reaching out with kindness and love, even if your emotions seem to be telling you to act angry.
To practice these skills together:
Take a moment to acknowledge your emotions and name the situation for what it is.
Use a grounding statement like, “It is what it is. I can’t change their decision, but I can decide how to respond.”
Choose an action that aligns with your long-term goals and values, even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment.
Learning to Grieve Unmet Expectations with Self-Compassion
When someone else’s boundaries leave you feeling powerless or hurt, it is normal to grieve the loss of what you expected. Feelings of disappointment, sadness, or even anger may surface as you process what can’t be changed.
To begin processing these emotions, start by naming the loss and allowing yourself to feel it. You might say to yourself, “I feel sad because I had hoped for something different.” Pay attention to the sensations in your body and the emotions that arise, without trying to push them away. Be patient with yourself—this is a time to offer yourself compassion, not self-judgment. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend. If a friend shared a similar story, you’d probably tell them it’s okay to feel upset and encourage them to take care of themselves. Extend that same kindness to yourself.
Moving Toward Your Values, Regardless of the Outcome
When I look back on missing my niece’s birth, I still feel a pang of sadness. It was a significant loss for me, and that’s okay. But what I’ve learned is that my value of being open-hearted and loving applies not only to my niece but also to my brother and sister-in-law. Even when I could not change the situation, I could still choose how to live by my values. For me, that meant showing up for my niece—and her parents—in ways that matter.
When we focus on our core values, we find purpose and meaning that carries us through even the most challenging situations. No matter what boundaries others set, living in alignment with what truly matters to us can bring a sense of peace and fulfillment.
In Conclusion
Navigating someone else’s boundary setting isn’t easy, especially when it touches deep emotions. But with tools like radical acceptance, opposite action, and self-compassion, you can honor your feelings while staying true to your values.
If you’re struggling to cope with painful boundaries or conflicts in your relationships with others, I am here to help. Together, we can create a personalized plan to help you process your emotions, strengthen your relationships, and live a life aligned with what truly matters to you.
Please reach out!
Email me, text me, or schedule a session at The Game Changer Group, the group practice where I work. Let’s work together to help you move forward with strength and compassion.
