Strength in Asking: Our Need for Others Makes Us Human
So many of us grow up with the belief that needing others is something to outgrow or overcome. We strive to be completely independent, as if the ultimate goal in adulthood is to stand entirely on our own. But as one writer I admire, Leah Libresco Sargeant, points out, “full autonomy isn’t really possible for any adult.” No matter how capable we are, there will always be moments when we need care. It’s part of being human.
And yet, asking for help often feels uncomfortable. Asking for help should feel natural to us, not shameful! This is an incredibly important message for me as a therapist. Many of the people I work with carry a deep-down fear that reaching out, whether to a friend, a partner, a neighbor, or a therapist, will expose their weakness. They come into my office for a session and apologize for their feelings or say things like “I told myself I wouldn’t cry here” when tears come.
The truth is, when we allow ourselves to lean on others, something profound happens. Relationships actually begin to feel like a two-way street; we don’t just say that they are, but we actually live it. Sometimes we are the ones offering support, and sometimes we are the ones receiving it. In both the moments when we are doing the caring for and in moments when we are being cared for, we are honoring our common humanity.
Therapy is one of the rare places designed for this kind of support. It’s a relationship built entirely around your well-being, a space where you can speak freely. In therapy, you can explore the deeper layers of your inner world to clarify your needs or struggles or patterns that might be keeping you stuck. You can also experiment with new ways of relating to people that may benefit your current and future relationships.
At its best, therapy can act as a rehearsal space for being human. With the right therapist, you’ll feel seen and accepted, and from that foundation, you have room to grow into deeper relationships with the people around you. This is how it’s worked for me as a client, and I have worked hard to be this person for my clients. I have been cared for and have also done the caring for in the context of therapy, and I’ve found it has helped me learn to live in a way that respects both my autonomy and my dependence on others.
Our culture often celebrates a myth of self-sufficiency. It really is a myth, because no matter how independent we may be in some moments of our lives, there are many other moments when we are entirely dependent on others. When we embrace this truth—that our lives are bound up with one another’s—we create room for a different kind of strength. It’s an open door to richer, more connected living and being in the world.
