What Would You Do with Your Time if No One Knew?
An important principle in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is that people who actively live their values tend to experience a greater sense of purpose and psychological well-being. Most of us can agree that a meaningful life matters but actually living in alignment with what truly matters to us is more challenging than it sounds.
In today’s world, where success is often associated with financial security, status, or achievement, it can be hard to separate what we personally value from what our culture rewards. We might say we value creativity or service, for example, but how much of our time and energy is actually spent on honoring those values versus spent chasing validation or achievement?
As Steven C. Hayes, a founder of ACT, writes:
In a world that relentlessly pulls us toward external validation, the yearning for meaning is often misdirected. We measure success by socially constructed benchmarks—wealth, status, admiration—rather than by an internal sense of fulfillment. The problem is that these external pursuits, no matter how diligently we chase them, never seem to satisfy. They provide short-term gratification but leave behind a nagging void. Meaning cannot be borrowed from without; it must be cultivated from within.
One way we drift from our values is when we get caught in patterns like:
Avoidance – “I can’t slow down—everything could fall apart.” Experiential avoidance is when we try to suppress or escape feelings, memories, thoughts, or situations, which usually causes more harm than good in the long run.
Fusion – “I must do x, y, and z or else I’m a bad parent.” Cognitive fusion is when we get so entangled with our thoughts that we treat them as if they are always true.
Compliance – “I have to stay in this job because my spouse expects it, even though it drains me.” Compliance is behavior that is driven by rules or expectations that you did not freely choose based on your personal values.
All of these “have to” statements—coming from avoidance, fusion, and compliance—suggest a lack of personal agency. Even if they're wrapped in responsibility or care or duty, they may reflect external pressures more than internal alignment with our values.
A useful reflection question might be, “If I weren’t telling myself I 'have to’ ________, what would I be pursuing in my life?”
Sometimes, a specific goal tied to a value is impossible to reach—at least not right now. But values themselves are ongoing and continually possible to live by.
For instance, imagine you deeply value creativity and writing, and for a long time you’ve hoped to publish a novel. But between work and caregiving responsibilities, that goal is not attainable, at least in the near future. You can still act on your values by starting a 10-minute writing ritual, taking a local writing class, mentoring another writer, or reading novels that inspire you. You may not be able to meet your value-based goal right now, but you can still honor your values of creativity and writing.
Living your values is about meaningful action. It's not about what others think you're doing, but about what you know you’re choosing. Values give you a compass, even when circumstances are less than ideal.
So, take a moment and consider: What would you do with your time if no one knew?
And what might it feel like to begin doing even just a little of that, starting today?
References
Hayes, Steven C. (2024). “ACT Bootcamp Day 3.” PowerPoint slides.
World Health Organization. (2020). “Doing What Matters in Times of Stress: An Illustrated Guide.”
